Inside Out

When you tap a Sim (or any other virtual game), you can see there are lists of things to do and there are also things they can do if they have no ‘quests’. You watch the body on the screen move around and do as you tell it to. It’s a body that ultimately has it’s life decided for it by a brain that is detached from this virtual being. That is what it’s like inside of my head.

Even before I was diagnosed with autism, I knew that my outlook on life was different. Not many people view the inside of their mind as a virtual game. But that’s how I conduct everyday life.

When that person wakes up, what is expected of them? Go to the toilet, brush their teeth, have a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, etc… Are there any specific events on that day that changes my routine? If so, what time scale do I have to make sure everything is fit in and ensure I am still comfortable? These are questions I think of at least a hundred times a day. I have multiple lists inside of my head and on a particular day, I’ll tap into one that makes the most sense for the following events. Now this is my list.

All my life, I have been able to guide my body without my mind ever feeling truly connected to it. It feels separate to me but it isn’t an out of body experience. I know well that it’s still there and it’s not the same as looking down at myself while some version of me is floating above. It feels like my brain is active but my body isn’t, and so it’s a separate part of me. Most of the time I have no full comprehension of how my body is, just that it’s like a puppet that I pull along with me.

So finding a list for that day is all well and truly great, but then it’s about forming, finding, and double-checking my list.

If you had a room with post-it notes plastered all over every surface and each one had a sentence on it, would you be able straight away to find that one specific note you’re looking for? That’s how I imagine the inside of my brain to be. I have a general idea or I know I know something and I’m desperately trying to find this one note all the time, every day, and there’s just too many.

People joke about me being socially inept or that I’m stupid, as I can’t seem to answer questions fast when ‘put on the spot’. Yet, if you had all of those notes in no particular order and suddenly somebody said ‘what is the answer to…’ then you would also panic when you had to find that one note out of hundreds of thousands. It’s like somebody came through into the room and turned on a large fan that blew the notes everywhere. So in the end I’m left scrambling to pick them up and make sense of them.

Moreover, I could joke that I’m never alone because there’s always at least three voices in my head telling me different things at once. This is why people with autism can be misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. But this is different. It’s one voice and it’s my own, but it’s like it can’t process one thought at a time. There has to be multiple at the same time and I have to decide which one is most relevant or which one I want to pay attention to.

People ask me what I’m thinking about or what it’s like to have the brain of someone with Asperger’s. All I could say is that it’s confusing and it’s a mess. People ask me why I’m so tired all the time. Wouldn’t you be if your brain never stops? Even when I’m sleeping, I always have a dream and I always remember. As soon as I wake up, I’ve already formulated a list and I’m already going through it and any other relevant list to my life- what uni work do I have to do? Have I agreed to see anyone? What clothes did I wear this past week so I don’t wear the same thing? Where are my keys? Those are the questions that go across my mind, even when I’ve asked them every day. It never hurts to be thorough.

There are rockets always flying above my head in flashes of light and that’s how my thoughts feel. They’re quick, loud, and disorientating, but all you’ll ever see is me sitting there, face straight.

These are things I want people to bear in mind when they ever think how slow, how confused, how tired I seem. I can become the butt of a joke because of those things. Or people are perplexed by the way I am or the way I seem to think. But it’s hard to explain something that seems absurd to me too and that’s all I can think of for now. This post was to make a little sense out of something that makes no sense at all.

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