Here and There

For something so important, self-care is hard. Like most things in life, I guess. Sometimes it’s hard to upkeep the facade and sometimes it’s inevitable that you fall back down the rabbit hole. 

I have had multiple panic attacks in the past two months. I have had insomnia, I have cried, and sometimes I have wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I barely wash when I don’t leave the house or I forget to brush my teeth. I forget to eat and then I eat everything in one go. My room is a mess. I don’t want to write or draw or read or watch tv. 

But I have to leave the house, to wash and dress and interact like I want to be there. In some respects, I do, even though I can’t always be there mentally. 

I tell myself that’s okay because in a few weeks, I’ll be vaguely fine again (if it’s even over that fast). What if I can’t wait that long? Tough shit, I suppose. 

Life goes on and I refuse to let it go without me. 

It took me five weeks to write a ten page story. People told me that it was amazing, that it was so well-written. As if I hadn’t written a sentence a day, sometimes a paragraph at my best. Rewriting and always thinking, but not thinking at all. Just like everything else. It just takes me a while and I’m not known for being a patient person. 

I want to do everything but I can’t do anything at all. It’s so easy to think of sleeping, taking a shower, working, interacting. It seems like it’s possible if done step-by-step. But it’s not really that easy at all. 

Just look in the mirror and smile or think of happy things. Well, I’ll get there but I have to take two steps back to go five steps forward. It’s not as bad as it used to be but that doesn’t make it good. 

Sometimes self-care is listening to the same song over and over, sleeping until you’re no longer tired, or helping yourself to that bath bomb you were saving. Taking a moment to breathe is a luxury. To be able to think clearly and see something so simple. Self-care can’t always be profound and instantly progressive. Because why should it be that easy? 

It’s okay and it’s not okay. And that’s all okay too. 

I’ll see you on the flip side. 

 

P.S. I forgot to add this at the end

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