This past year, I’ve had a lot of insights into myself, the way that I am, and the way that I see things. I’ve also changed a tremendous amount, over the past several years and over the course of the pandemic. In particular, one topic that I’ve really struggled with is accepting my physical appearance- as testified by an ancient post on here that revolves around my weight- and I’ve decided to broach the subject once again because there’s something that’s been bothering me and I feel there is a message that I have to convey. To myself and to others.
The reality is that I still struggle with my appearance, with seeing myself and accepting what is there. It’s easy to practice positive affirmations but the critical way in which we view ourselves isn’t so easily shaken. In fact, even as I’ve come a long way, even as I’ve made great strides in accepting my constantly fluctuating weight and I’ve come to detach myself more from the societal ideal of what is and isn’t physically attractive, I still find myself looking in the mirror or at photos of myself, and feeling embarrassed. By what? I’m not entirely sure. Sometimes, there isn’t even anything specifically wrong but I perceive myself, and my take-away from that is negative.
Particularly as an adult, there are times where I find compliments about my appearance- from family, friends, and even people I’ve dated- uncomfortable. The idea that I’m a human being that can be perceived is sometimes a terrifying concept to me because it means people are seeing this meat sack in which I inhabit and make judgements as to my attractiveness and worth as a person. Okay, I don’t really care what other people think nor whether they find me attractive, for the most part anyway. We can’t control other people’s perceptions nor should we try to. But every now and again, I receive a compliment or people indicate that they find me attractive and that makes me nervous. Why? I suppose because my perception is that I’m not physically attractive nor do I have any worth in my physicality, so I then place that perspective on everyone else, in that this is how they also view me. But this is an injustice.
To myself and to others. I’m viewing other people in a negative way by assuming they have a negative perception of me, that they also think I’m gross, that nobody believes what they’re actually saying, which makes them insincere. That’s the narrative I place on the situation, instead of simply viewing it as a compliment. Of course, I have a lot of confidence and self-worth when it comes to me as a person. Not to brag but I think I’m pretty cool. Yet, my self-esteem hasn’t entirely caught up when it comes to my face and body.
I’ve done a lot of reflecting and spiritual learning recently and this has been my break-through in how I’ve begun to view myself in a kinder way. This is where the main part of the post comes from- I wanted to make a note of all that is circulating around in my brain; I never want to forget this message and I wanted to share it, so that others can do the same.
Yesterday, I attended a dharma talk by two sisters of Plum Village and they shared their experiences and wisdom on Healing Relationships that are Hard to Heal. I went in thinking that it would be all about the relationships around me- my friends, family, past partners, colleagues, clients, acquaintances… You get the idea. What I didn’t realise is that I’d forgotten myself. I didn’t even think about the relationship with myself, perhaps because it didn’t appear to me as a priority, but the sisters soon reminded me that this relationship is just as important.
They shared some lovely pieces of wisdom and, once the talk was finished, I went downstairs, looked in the mirror, and cried. Not because I was sad but because I was overwhelmed. By my own criticism, by other people’s, by my expectations, by society’s, by the suffering I had inflicted upon myself by thinking myself unworthy or that my physical appearance is the only aspect of myself that matters, but I also cried because I felt a lot of peace, joy, and love for myself that I hadn’t felt before or had only felt sporadically. I cried because I saw myself and I had hurt myself.
I don’t always look in the mirror and like what I see but now, I look in the mirror and see parts of other people. My nose is the same shape as my mother’s, my eyes are the same as my parents’ eyes, my smile is my dad’s smile… My face is not just my face; my body is not just my body. It is the body of my ancestors and my family. It is the body of those who I have loved.
When I wind my brothers up or make terrible puns, that is my maternal grandfather within me. When I don’t take foolishness from others, I am told that is my grandmother. My brother’s love for violent movies and my other brother’s love for eating all of the chips from the Chinese takeaway, they are both present within me. When I learn how to cook nourishing food, how to garden, how to love plants and nature, that is my paternal grandparents within me. When I take walks in nature, when I take refuge there, that is my great-grandfather. My laugh, my interest in art and in music, my hands, the way that I like to make detailed notes of everything I like, my knees and ankles, the way that I walk, my freckles, they are someone else but they are within me.
I like these aspects of other people- of my ancestors and of my family. I love them and cherish them but I do not always see them within myself, nor do I give them the same love and respect. But I choose to look at myself, from within and from the outside, and I choose to say- I love you. I love the people I carry within me and I love the aspects of them that have come into my being and have formed me, the person I am today. I choose to acknowledge that the worth I see in others can be seen in me and that I cherish those parts of myself. I am all that has come before me and all that will come after. I am a person who is beautiful and who is loved, and neither of them in the superficial way. I look in the mirror and I see someone who deserves to be seen and I see her. Truly. She is there. Now, when I look in the mirror, my heart is there too. I refuse to be unkind to myself.
The other week was my dad’s graduation. I had a picture with him and all I could think was how terrible I looked. How wide my shoulders were, how big my stomach was, how flat my hair was compared to my large, round face… And, when I got home, I cried. Because I thought how terrible those thoughts were. How critical I was of myself. Then I looked at one of the photos I hate the most- my graduation photo (which is why you never see pictures of me at graduation). And I realised that all I was seeing was physical aspects of myself but I wasn’t giving myself space to see me as I truly am. I look at the picture and I compare myself to others, to what I see on the internet and on screen, but what I wasn’t looking at was myself and seeing the kind, compassionate, smart, hard-working person I was. I wasn’t seeing the person who had worked incredibly hard to become a better person, someone who always tried to share what they had with others (not just materially, but their presence, time, and knowledge), someone who always tried to be a good friend, someone who obtained two degrees whilst having two disabilities, someone who had accomplished something she hadn’t thought possible. And I saw myself holding the scroll and all I could think was- I don’t like the shape of my face, I don’t like my fringe, I don’t like my make-up. But actually, there are more things in that picture that I do like. I like me and I like what I achieved. And I was preventing myself from seeing that, but I see it now.
Looking at me was someone who was a good person but I was not being a good person back to her.
The next step for me is to continue detaching myself from these expectations that have been placed on me, both by myself and by others. I have started to see my worth, regardless of how I look on any given day, how I look at certain angles and in different lighting, and I refuse to buy into the idea on social media that everything must be ‘instagram-ready’. So here is a photo that I’ve never shared with anyone from my graduation day, one that I personally didn’t like on the day or afterwards, and it’s a photo that I don’t perceive to be ‘ready’ for social media but one that is of my face. One that is me on this day. I hope that I’ll get to a place where it doesn’t matter what I look like, that I don’t feel the need to censor how I’m viewed by others, but simply allow myself to be. Sometimes, we can be our own worst critic but I’ve decided to detach from that as much as possible. I embrace myself the way that I am, big nose and all. It will be a journey, yet it’s one worth taking because I love myself enough to do it. And, whatever you think of your own physical appearance, know that you deserve that love too.
You have the whole cosmos inside of you. Your ancestors and Mother Earth came together to create you specifically. You are as much a miracle as the world around you. Simply look in the mirror and see for yourself.
Wheelchairs and Coathangers 